There's a good chance I may miss the Academy Awards show tonight; it all depends on if I can finish my income tax return.
But, in a way, I already know what is going to happen, the most important and amusing part of the show will be Chris Rock.
Here is what he will, what he has to say. It writes itself:
Good evening. My name is Chris Rock.
In case you didn't notice, I am Black.
Yes, that's right.
There, I said it. You knew I would.
Take a good look, because very possibly, I will be the only Black man you will see tonight up here.
Now, what I particularly like about the Academy is how discerning it can be in its judgments. Discerning, you know, as in discriminating.
So you have this one movie, which I really like, about a Black kid in Philadelphia, and this movie is written by a Black man, directed by a Black man and stars a Black man. And who do they nominate?
Yeah, you guessed it: the white guy!
Now, okay, I like Sly Stallone. But, you have to notice, over the course of his long career, he has been seen on screen beating up a lot of people of color.
I mean, first there's Apollo Creed, then all those Vietnamese, and well, there's a lot of them. Oh, sure, he wails on a White Russian or two, but you know, it's okay for an American White guy to pulverize a Russian. If he were Irish or Italian or Swedish, not so much.
So Sly Stallone beats up Black guys.
And this is a guy who actually likes the brothers! I mean, in real life, he's got Black friends and what I hear is he doesn't have prejudiced bone in his body, at least none that haven't been broken.
But there's nothing Sly can do about it. He only gets one vote!
But, you got to give it to the Academy: They made up for it. They paid me a bundle to host the show tonight! I mean, I didn't want to do it, but if they paid you what they are paying me, you'd do it too, I don't care how Black you are, or how militant, when it comes to White people being willing to pay me an obscene amount of money to make their White asses feel better, I'll do it!
'Cause I always said, there is nothing better for Black people than White people with guilty consciences.
Sure, there are plenty of White people do don't have a conscience...Well, all you had to do was watch that Republican debate the other night.
Talk about a bad hair night.
Well, he always has a bad hair. Actually, he really doesn't have a lot of hair.
And the rest of them. They are not even entertaining. Creepy, yes. Nauseating, sure. But not entertaining. You got to give the phony with the comb over credit for that. He's a showman.
In fact, he is so good, I am surprised he is not up for an honorary lifetime achievement award tonight.
Can we do something about that?