How They Hear Us

 

Hampton, New Hampshire, Midsummer Day's Dreamscape

Mad Dog always brings reading material to his barber, knowing there will usually be a wait. There was a guy in the barber's chair, a machinist who works at the Foss factory half a mile down Route 1,  and two others ahead of him, waiting their turns in the chairs lining the walls of the small shop: Dan, who owns the garage across the street from the shop and farmer Brown, who owns the last actual working farm left in Hampton up off Towle Farm Road. The shop has two barber chairs, although it is a one man shop.

Unfolding a paper  Mad Dog  silently read the opening lines:

"Three themes are emerging from these issues that I think set up a positive message of what we are fighting for while also contrasting powerfully with what we're fighting against.

-Affordability

-Compassion

-Excellence."

Farmer Brown, seated across from Mad Dog, noticed him wince.

"Bad news?" he asked.

"Depends how you define 'news,'" Mad Dog said. "This it the Message from the President of the  Hampton Democrats for the upcoming election." 

Mad dog read the farmer about affordability, compassion and excellence.

Dan, the garage guy laughed. He was sitting in the chair next to Mad Dog and he leaned to read over his shoulder.

The barber laughed. 

The machinist  in the barber's chair  laughed.

What does he mean by "compassion?" asked farmer Brown. 

"Not a concept you'd be familiar with," Mad Dog said. "The way you slaughter your pigs. Not a drop of compassion flowing through your veins."

"Not to mention what he does to those turkeys in November," the barber added.

"I am very compassionate when it comes to pigs and turkeys," farmer Brown replied indignantly. "Not so much to chickens."

"Hampton Dems are fighting for a compassionate state that welcomes all people. Towns that welcome everyone, whether they've lived here for generations or just arrived. Schools that welcome children, regardless of their ability, race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or language. Local and state governments that encourage participation from every corner of every community and celebrate and honor public service. And communities that take care of one another, especially the neediest and most vulnerable," Mad Dog read.

"So, wait," the machinist said, from the barber's chair, "We welcome the neediest? Which means we tax me to pay for people who don't want to work?"

"And what's gender identity?" asked farmer Brown. "You mean like queer or straight?"

"Oh, no," Mad Dog explained. "Gays have no problem with gender identity. A gay guy will tell you he is very definitely male. He just wants to have sex with other males. But some guys with testicles and a penis will tell you they don't feel like males."

"Well, how can he not 'feel like a male' if he's got balls and a dick?" asked Dan. 

"Well, he doesn't," Mad Dog explained. "He feels like the balls and dick are a sick joke, that he's really a woman trapped in a man's body."

"Well, goddamn," said the machinist. 

"Like Bruce Jenner," said the barber. 

"That guy won an Olympic gold medal as a man," said the barber. "And then he cut off his own dick and balls and posed on the cover a magazine in a slinky dress."

"Well, goddamn," repeated the farmer. "That don't seem right. That's sick is what that is."

"See," said Mad Dog, "There you go: Lack of compassion."

"Definitely," said the machinist. "Some poor dumb sonabitch cuts off his own balls, and you got to feel sorry for that dumb sucker."

"What else is this guy for?" asked farmer Brown.

"Family and medical leave."

"Oh, wonderful," said Dan. "I got nine employees and I'm supposed to pay guys to take time off every time one of their wives or girlfriends has a baby? I mean, I hired these guys, and I try to treat my employees right, because, God knows, it's hard to find them, train them, keep them. But I didn't think I was adopting every goddamn one of them. I'm already paying disability and workmen's comp for them."

"You keep talking like that," the machinist said. "And they'll unionize."

"Hampton Dems are fighting for a town and a state where residents can afford, not just to live but to thrive. This means affordable housing for owners and renters, affordable childcare for parents and their babies, affordable and clean energy for us to heat our homes and get us from point A to B, and an affordable college education and job training for our young folks to learn, live and stay in NH," Mad Dog read.

"Well, welcome to fucking Denmark!" said the farmer. "Like shopping in a candy store without a dime in your pocket! How you gonna do all that? Who's going to build housing and on whose dime? I can't afford a new roof for my barn and I'm gonna pay for someone to have affordable housing, whatever the Hell that is. What is that anyway?"

"There is nothing wise or brave about being so heartless," Mad Dog read. "That's you farmer Brown, just heartless."

"Yeah, well I wish some Hampton Dem was a little more heart felt for me. I have enough trouble paying property taxes to worry about sending some neighbor's kid to college. And childcare! I'd love to see that, for my daughter who has a kid she's got to pay half her paycheck for childcare. But I don't ask the taxpayer to pay for it."

"Every time I hear a shopping list like this from AOC or Bernie, all the things the government can do for me," Dan said, "I grab my wallet and hold on tight. I run a tight ship, myself.  I have income, which I can enhance if I work harder, and I have expenses, which  I kept a tight hold over, but then, if the government comes in and piles on more expenses than I can plan for, where am I then?"