The Night and Day of the Living Dead: Trump World's Assault on Social Security

 Hampton's very own Caroline Leavitt, President Trump's press secretary, explained why foreign citizens living in the US, paying into the Social Security system through workplace taxes, were placed on a list of dead people by saying they are all terrorists and horrible, no good very bad people who deserve to be declared dead, even if they aren't yet quite dead, but they are dead, as in the expression, "He's dead to me."

Ms. Leavitt, Press Secretary in Dead Fur

The head of the Social Security Administration has been fired for refusing to agree to say that living people are, in fact, dead people, which struck him, somehow--don't ask me why--as wrong.

Apparently, Social Security offended  Elon Musk, for whom the distinction between a dead person and a living person is incomprehensible. 

Interviews with the newly declared dead people are being conducted at the Social Security Administration offices, where people are being asked whether or not they are, in fact, dead.

Ukranian Woman With Real Job

Wouldn't you love to be there for those interviews?

Social Security Administration Not Dead Living Empolyee (SANDLE): This interview may be recorded for training purposes. Is that OK with you?

Officially Dead And Actually Confused Person (ODAACP):

Well, I can't see why it would matter to me, if I am dead.

SANDLE: Well, this is why you are here today, to determine that.

ODAACP: I'm here to determine if I am dead?

SANDLE: Yes.

ODAACP: And what have you decided?

SANDLE: Well, there's a process for that.

ODAACP: I see.

SANDLE: So you have been contributing to the Social Security fund with each pay check, when you were alive and working?

ODAACP: Yes, as long as I was working, I was alive and contributing. But  I'm not sure if I can contribute once I am dead.

SANDLE: That's to be determined.

ODAACP: So I might be able to contribute, even after I'm determined to be dead?

SANDE: Well, unless you are found to be a terrorist or a terrible, horrible, no good very bad person.

ODAACP: You don't want any contributions from very bad people?

SANDLE: No. We accept money only from good Americans, who are alive.

ODAACP: Well, I wish you had told me that when I was alive. I could have saved a lot of money.

SANDLE: But you're dead now, so that's no longer a problem.

ODAACP: Oh? I thought you were going to determine if I am dead. So you've already decided I'm dead?

SANDLE: Well, why else would we have called you here today, if we thought you were alive?

ODACCP: So you're only interviewing people who you know are already dead?

SANDLE: You're being argumentative.

ODACCP: I'm just asking...

SANDLE: You understand you could lose your Green card if you continue to obstruct justice.

ODACCP: Well, I guess I won't have much use for a Green card, inasmuch as I'm already dead.

SANDLE: Well, if you feel that way...

ODACCP: You know, dead people don't really feel much of anything. I was thinking about my relatives. Isn't there some sort of death benefit for relatives?

SANDLE: You could apply for that, if you were alive. But dead people cannot fill out the forms, obviously.

ODACCP: Oh, well, that really is government efficiency. 

SANDLE: I've been instructed to tell you the new policy of this government is: "The only good immigrant is a dead immigrant." 

ODACCP: Well, that is a relief! I thought you said I was a horrible, terrible no good very bad immigrant.

SANDE: Now that you're dead, you're good. So there's that.