Los Angeles, October 18, 2025
The unsung hero of the game which catapulted the Los Angeles Dodgers into the World Series was not Shohei Ohtani, who merely hit more home runs than he allowed hits to the Milwaukee Brewers in that final National League championship game. Three home runs, two hits allowed the Brewers and 10 strikeouts.
The real hero was Mookie Betts, who recruited teammates Max Muncy and Freddie Freeman to accost three ICE agents and lock them into lockers in the home team locker room before the game, leaving a bat boy to guard them until the celebrating players departed the club house, hours after the game ended.
"We were under orders to detain a foreign national here in a well known sanctuary city," one of the agents, who spoke on condition of anonymity upon his release. "And we were placed at risk for our lives by the bat boy, who speaks Spanish, Japanese and only some English, which ought to be enough said." When asked about Ohtani's legal status, the agent replied, "His legal status, like most of the people we shove into our van, was murky, and it's standard ICE practice to just grab and go, and work out the legal stuff later. We are not some pencil necked lawyers, after all. We are just brawny ICE guys. But this guy, Oh-TAWN-ee, clearly speaks a foreign language and is only able to command about a dozen English words, like 'curve,' and 'four seamer,' and his best friend is a guy named Yamamoto, who also pitches for the Dodgers and is on our list, and who, if you Google it, is the guy who planned Pearl Harbor. I mean, what more do you need?"
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| New York's Finest (Not Dodger Fans) |
Asked who ordered the interdiction of Ohtani and Yamamoto, the agent would only smile inscrutability, but when pressed, he later added, "So, the Brewers are from Wisconsin, which voted the right way in the last election, if you know what I mean. I mean 49.6% voted for the King and 0.5% voted for Bobby, Junior, so you know, Wisconsin is okay. Sure, Milwaukee, the city, may not be reliable, but it's the state that counts. So we had a mission to prevent these aliens from raping the system. I mean, what could be more American than Baseball?"
Has Ohtani committed any crimes?
"Well, he steals bases," the agent replied. "Everyone talks about the home runs and his fastball, but nobody ever talks about his propensity toward theft. He just can't help himself. He might be safe on first base, but he's never satisfied."
Asked if ICE plans to strike again.
"Well, it all depends," the G-man replied. "I mean, if it's a Canadian team on the other side--which it could be--and that would speak volumes for the perfidious nature of how these foreign powers have targeted real Americans.
They've taken aim at the most American game of all, and then we'd have to watch them play 'Oh, Canada!' before some games.
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| Waiting in the Dodgers' Clubhouse |
Personally, I'd put those aluminum tariffs up to a thousand percent. Next thing you know they'll be using aluminum bats to replace good American ash and maple. Yeah, I know it could be a team from the state of Washington, which is just filthy blue, but still, it's America, and we could flood that zone with Texas National Guard, in Seattle, which is a sanctuary city, but if it's the Blue Jays, we'd have to deal with the Mounties and Fentanyl cartel, across the border, so the best shot we'll get is likely right back in L.A. But this time, we'll take care of this Mookie mope first. I mean, he's sort of an illegal himself--a refugee from Boston."
